Happy Easter! Christ is Risen, Alleluia.
Apparently I took a blogging break during Lent. It was, as I’ve read here and there, something of a Lenty Lent. When the Holy Spirit prompts you to go a bit deeper you get to pick, do I go deeper or not. The Holy Spirit only needs an atom of a yes, the quietest whisper to fill the room with the freshest air, purest water, choicest foods, finest wines. I want to say I yelled it, in all reality it was more like one long yes continuing from when I was little. Kinda mixed in with a “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo, I didn’t sign up for this!” and some, “Let me run away! I’m running away!” and Oh yeah, I did say yes to this. Somewhere in there is this moment when, oh this is hard to describe and somewhat hard to admit.
I very nearly walked away from this life of Faith. On the surface was this whole, “I no longer believe this,” mixed up with struggling with suffering, not accepting said suffering as a gift, yet still knowing the Truth of the Eucharist. This is Jesus and in all of my being as hurt and angry and frustrated and grieving as I was, walking away from Jesus in the Eucharist wasn’t something I could do. Yet, I wanted to. And it would be their fault! There!
In and through this I am aware of some of my own imperfections. I’m snarky and while yes it does work sometimes to really get peoples attention when they are being painfully hard on themselves, it isn’t always received well. Good intentions pave the road to. . . Then there is the emotional nanoseconds. Oof. The saying no to some of the work our Lord was clearly calling me to out of fear and the stupidity of “Oh Lord you would not be calling me to This!” The clingy-ness. The pride. The wounds in my being that lead to actions I’d prefer not to take and do anyway, that cause wounds in others. See the list. And yet, God, in His infinite Goodness does so much with all of this, for others, for myself.
It felt in 2020 that the world shifted on its axis. I do remember a day when this actually happened! My husband and I were heading towards the GWB when suddenly the display on our GPS showed us in the middle of the Hudson, somewhat north of our actual place on the bridge. We soon learned that there was a massive earthquake in Japan that actually shifted the earth’s axis. It took a little bit for the satellites to catch up with what happened. It also felt in 2001 that the earth shifted, and again several years later, and again with “Big things” happening in life, some of this personal, some of this more than that. Twenty-twenty though, permitted me some time to begin reading again because not only did I have the time, I had the books with me and a way to get some new ones and I learned of a few people who interested me in faith reading.
I’ll reflect more on Lent in the coming weeks. I have reading to do in preparation for spiritual direction formation and planning a trip to Maine.
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This morning instead of journaling I sat on my front porch watching the eastern sky as the earth tilts on its axis turning another part of the earth towards the sun. The moon continued her journey illuminating other parts of the morning/evening sky. The last few days have been full with both necessary things and some fun with my Sweetie. I had the distinct privilege of teaching a friend how to bake bread using sourdough starter. There is a recipe in the 200th Anniversary Cookbook from King Arthur Flour, which is a teaching book giving both recipes and directions, and some ways to expand the abilities and/or sub in/out ingredients. If you know me I am all about process. Once I know the foundations there is room to explore and grow the skills. The same thing happens in quilting, once the foundations are learned there is room to grow, explore and expand and play.
The recipe in the KAF cookbook makes sourdough not only approachable but similar to baking a simple loaf of hearth bread. These simple 5/6 ingredient breads taste good, and require a little bit of what other people describe as patience but is really determination and a willingness to take each step with intention.
Rejecting Connection
These words hit deeply at the coeur of my being when my friend spoke them. There is so much here, so many places squirrel brain would like to go.
Connection is something we all need as human beings.
My brain and heart immediately started speaking to another saying, “Look! Here! We have something you need! Pay attention. Yes, I’m already repeating myself here. In part I’m heading for the heart of something. One of the things that’s become a lot easier to articulate over the last few years is our need for community. Our deep need to be in relationship with one another. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, usually. And sometimes absence makes the heart ache in ways that are indescribably unbearable
So here are a few threads coming together speaking to this whole rejecting connection
+ This is a painful connection rejection, witnessed time and again when someone shares something awful happening in their life, others step up to in some way console, comfort, and let this person know, as best they can, that they are not alone. Sometimes what follows is, “Stop sharing your piddly crap because you have no clue what I’m going through and can’t possibly know how deeply this hurts. And your sharing doesn’t help. At. All! You are just making my story all about you, so shut up.”
The above is a mashed up version of responses seen over the last few years. When we are hurt, when our life has radically shifted for the worse, when we’ve lost the human being we love most deeply either in death, divorce, break up, to dementia, to (insert cause here) our grief is overwhelming and the desire is in direct conflict with our needs. Our desire is to withdraw, isolate, to be alone, to experience our pain and grief in a way that makes sense just to us. Our need though is to grieve with our community who desire greatly to walk with us through this grief and grieving process.
We believe it is in these moments where we find our closest friends. And yet this is the place where we sometimes lose the closest friendships as we spew how much we don’t need them, that they are saying all the wrong things, and are making our grief and pain all about themselves. As the connection, the desire to be with a person in their grief and pain, is rejected over and over again there is a desire to walk away from a place where we’re not wanted, where nothing we say is ever right, and therefore it is easier to walk away rather than continue to be lashed out at as though the one speaking is the best recipient to the tongue lashing the one grieving seems to need to give.
Ooof that is difficult to write with any clarity. “I reject your attempt at connection!” seems to be the loudest thing heard and experienced.
+ Cancelling, Ignoring & Blocking
I can just hear a mashup of comments, “Since you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong and therefore I banish you to the outside where there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!” or “Since you didn’t use words precisely the way I expected you to using these key phrases to let me hear what I wanted to hear you are forthwith banished from the queendom” or “your hair is purple, begone!” More often than not one person makes a statement, someone presumes to understand the statement then one or some combination of the above happen. This is painful as there is no room to have a conversation with the “It’s my way or no way” as the basis for the cancelling, blocking and/or ignoring.
These types of things are sometimes necessary. And there is often perception involved as well. Those two sentences back to back feel somewhat disjointed and yetI know when I’m ignoring someone there is often a need for space for me to think about what’s happened, mull over the conversation, to reach out for help from someone I trust. If I’m blocking. There may be a need to ignore or block someone for safety reasons.
I’m pausing here and coming back to this very soon, this whole connection theme is soaking in.
Happy Easter!
Teri
A Quilter's Heart 