I know what he meant now

Did you ever have an experience where you remember exactly where you were when you heard the news? I remember with great clarity the moment my parents, who were just nearing 30, had to tell us that Grampa died. The rain was coming down so very hard that we couldn’t see much beyond the door. My dad was just inside the door, my mom stood near the windows of our dining room. Dad looked shocked. I was 6 1/2 at the time.

That moment when my husband and I said, “I do!” I’m at a loss for words on that one it’s so near to the core of my heart.

Then there was the September Saturday in 1997 when Rich Mullins died. There were three of us standing in the security office of the single room occupancy we worked in. Two of us were shocked, the third didn’t know who Rich was. I still listen to his music even now because Our God is an Awesome God. Over the last few weeks something he said in a live interview with 20 the Countdown Magazine (link to full interview) is on repeat, like an ear-worm, only with a faith-filled message. The interviewer asked him about a desire to be used by God.

RM: Those are the people God can use. And I want to be one of them. If God should use me, that would be great but if He doesn’t there is a very interesting thing you can do. In the gospel of Mark or in any of the four gospels, you go through the gospels and you say, what people are absolutely essential to this story? So Mary is essential to the story because Mary had to give birth to Jesus. And you could say, well someone else could have. But lets say that if she wouldn’t have done it then the story wouldn’t have happened. So, you have God who chose to become flesh, you have Mary who gave Him flesh, you have Jesus who was God in the flesh or who was the child of Mary and God, you have Pontius Pilate who had, in an artificial sense, the power to kill Christ, you have Judas Iscariot who betrayed Christ and handed him over to the bad guys, you have whoever it was that nailed Him up to the cross. Out of those people that God used to accomplish His will in the gospel, only a couple of them were very nice people. Most of them were bad people. We all want to be useful to God. Well, its no big deal. God can use anybody. God used Nebuchadnezzar. God used Judas Iscariot. Its not a big deal to be used by God and the shocking thing in the book of Mark, and the reason why it is so shocking is because Mark is the briefest of all the gospels but he has these terrific little details and one of the little details is that it says, “and Jesus called to Him those that He wanted.” And you realize that out of the twelve people that He wanted, only one was essential to His goal in coming to earth. The other eleven people were useless to Christ but they were wanted by Christ. And I kind of go, I would much rather have God want me than have God use me.

…I would much rather have God want me than have God use me. Rich talks about himself as being a quilter rather than a weaver, oh I forgot that.

There is something really radical in accepting being wanted by God, and wanting to be used by God. No matter what happens, all will be okay in being wanted by God. Being used by God is a completely different story, Judas took his own life – Peter learned trust God more, even when he could not see what was coming down the road. I’ve always loved Peter.

Earlier this afternoon I went up to my sewing room to work on a quilt, and honestly there are moments when I go there to pray and allow this heart of mine to express itself to God with all honesty. It’s quiet there, the Crucifix is there, and lately I’ve been leaving the computer out of there so I can focus on reorganizing and getting some quilting work done. I’ve been unsettled lately. No surprise there, it’s blog fodder, I’m human, I have frailties, and faults. As impatience set in waiting for the iron to achieve the optimal heat setting, changing the calendar from April to June seemed a good idea. Well:

The storm in my soul stilled, and deep sense of peace enveloped me. I acknowledged that some of the “stuff” wandering through my brain are simply lies. I don’t know what exactly is coming next, however we’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I am good. And as for seeing what Rich meant by being wanted by God…well, it’s a life-long journey of learning to trust, of living in hope, and so very much more.

God is good.

Teri