Every now and again I go through these periods of time when I experience deeply negative thoughts on repeat like an old vinyl reacord skipping. Please allow me to assure you this is wholly unpleasant, bleeds into other areas of my life, and is the cause of the prayer, “Lord take this from me, please!” One of the tabs open on my laptop is Ascension Press’s Bible in a Year with Fr. Mike Schmitz. Per ususal I’m listening to things out of order because that’s how I roll, and this morning I think it’s the inspiration of the Holy Spirit that prompted this. This morning I listened to Saul is Chosen and then captivated by the title Judas’ Secrecy I listened to that, technically I’m on podcast number 6 or 7 or 10. It was in listening to Judas’ Secrecy that I had this aha! moment wherein I decided to ask for your prayers. Please allow me to back up a bit. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus asks the Father to “take this cup from me” and St. Paul talks about the “thorn in his flesh” that “beats him up” he asks the Lord three times to take this away from him and 3 time the Lord says, “my grace is sufficient.”
So back to Judas for a moment. When Jesus says that he will be betrayed the disciples have NO idea who would do that. Judas lived with, ate with, pooped with, walked with, learned from and lived in community with Jesus and the other apostles and disciples for nearly three years. THEY HAD NO IDEA that Judas would betray Jesus. He was in a position of trust and They Had No Idea that Judas would betray Jesus. Judas who kept the money, gave to the poor, making sure everyones needs were met betrayed. Jesus. In this earthly existence we will never fully know why he betrayed our Lord.
It was in hearing so plainly about the secret life of Judas that I knew that sharing with you, as I await the coming Holy Spirit, as I long for thse thoughts to go away, that I knew that sharing these thoughts, how utterly overwhelming they are, how I want to run from the quilting world and (sometimes) run from my faith life, and how hard it is to quilt somedays is essential. Like Saint Paul I am hearing to say, “Your grace is sufficient. for me.” Pray that I will lean into God’s grace when the onslaught of “I’m not worthy,” “I’m not good enough” and “I suck.” Pray that I will lean into the Trustworthy God in the middle of it. Pray that when I’m on this part of my path to heaven I stay the course and keep faithful to Him.
———————————————————– Come Holy Spirit! —————————————————————
I don’t know about you but I sometimes find it hard to live in this present moment. Sometimes I live in the past wondering how I could have done things differently, what could I say that would have changed things, what could I do that would make some kind of difference? Sometimes I live in the future having fantastic conversations or big dream about how amazing I’m going to be in some well imagined situtation that will likely never happen. I sometimes think how amazing it would be to fully call somone out on the this or that reinforcing how amazing I am in and of myself. Then when perusing through the tweet stream I happened upon this:
Fr. Joe Krupp shares #talkedtotheboss nearly every morning with images provided by his sister.
This one nudged me right in the old worry wart that exists in the space between my ears. This same space is sometimes a brutal accuser and the keeper of all weird, wild and sometimes disturbing dreams when I’m trying to sleep. That said, God gave me this verse while still a teenager:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.Philippians 4
This still cracks me knowing that the Holy Spirit gives me This verse to live with because I’m prone to worrying, adept at over thinking to the point of wearing it all over my face. Further over the years I’ve loved the Holy Spirit, there is something about the love, the conversation, the breath that flows between the Father and the Son that is wildly sweet and rather intimate.
Here we are in Easter, I’m looking forward to Pentecost, as previously mentioned. I’m also looking forward to the next quilt. There are moments when I struggle with the sharing of new quilts in part because the stuff I make just to simply make is much more intimate. One of the things I’ve realized over the years is that quilters pour ourselves into the quilts we make and give, and when they are rejected or unappreciated, or used for the pets, we are often deeply hurt as though someone has sucker punched us. In the making and sharing we become vulnerable with the ones we are making the quilt for, we think abou them, pray for them, we also see the missteps, the mistakes, the turned blocks, the wonky stitching, our flaws forever in fabric, right there for you to see. I’m a decent piecer and an even better quilter, and because I teach I often point these mistakes out for your benefit, to let you know that this stuff happens and it’s okay. I can assure you there was a moment where I experienced shame and embarassment over these things because of this ideal of perfection. And yet, these things are most often not noticed when looking at the whole of the quilt. As quilters we work six inches away from our quilts and see EVERYTHING that isn’t just so.
The fascinating thing is, often when these little missteps happened, these little jogs in the stitching, the points not quite meeting up or nipped off at the top, it is in these moments when I’m lost in the process of making or quilting and I’m stuck into the work of quilting no longer worried about any missteps, I’ve entered into the creative space wherein the peace and joy live. There is a freedom in this space wherein there is no worry about what other people think about the work I’m doing.
So for this moment I’m going to go enjoy a bit of quilting prior to a meeting. Then gather some things and celebrate Easter by having meat on a Friday. Living fully present in this moment when we celebrate the Resurrection and the beauty of the gift of being creative.