God is hilarious if you think about it. A little while ago when titling this post I’d just looked at an image of the beach with the title “Why you need to visit the beach more often” Next step turn on Pandora and you guessed it
I love the ocean. I love hearing the waves greet the sandy shore, and rocks with enthusiasm, or a sometimes snarky slow clap. Because who doesn’t need a snarky slow clap now and again. I love the sand in my feet, the wind in my hair, the sun in my face, the salty water. I need a day at the beach.
Over the last year or so I’ve been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. This being home for the better part of a year has taught me that working with people is where I need and want to be. i work better around people. To get where I think I want to go, no, where I want to go there is a story to share.
Growing up in a small city has some advantages, access to schools, somewhat public transportation, work, etc. Growing up in the projects of any city has the advantages of neighbors and friends. Facebook has allowed some of us to reconnect and share in each others lives in some way. We had a reunion several years ago and I remember thinking/saying, “if some of our teachers could see us now.” Yanno the kids from the projects are insta-trouble, not as smart, and well truth be told – often burdened by things the teachers either have no clue about.
Over the years when taking personal inventories to determine a career path, or spiritual gifts one thing that would often come up is an ability for administrative tasks. And the deeply stubborn, often prideful because I know better than God streak would firmly say, “No! I want to be a teacher!” Oh the longing to be a teacher just lives inside of me. Looking at my early career at the Residence I worked in, the work I ended up doing in two places at the same time, and the desire to dwell behind the scenes doing administrative work is up my tree.
In said small city, in the public school this kid from the projects stood at the door of the classroom, waiting for dismissal. My friend from the neighborhood stood at the door across the hall. We were talking, sharing, and I offered some kind of advice to her. Whereupon the teacher said words to the effect that, “You’re two-faced. Who are you to give her advice when you can’t even take care of yourself.” Just because I’m a kid from the projects who sometimes struggles to get stuff done. Hmmm. Oh how I’ve been driven to prove her wrong.
I love teaching. It is my hope that students leave my classroom knowing as much of their personal value as they do of the technique we’re learning. I know I’m not always as successful as hoped, however please know I’ve loved each and every one of you. The classroom is a judgement free zone, in that we’re allowed to make mistakes, encourage each other, we’re not allowed to put our selves down. And quite frankly I’m a bit of a hard a$$ about that one.
So here’s where I’m going to seem something of a hypocrite, I’m super hard on myself. This is probably rather normal rather than two-faced. And I’m finally seeing how this is a struggle with pride, that started oh, so long ago. This sense of “I can do it by myself” and “I don’t want to be obligated to anyone” and show that “I’ve always got my sh*t together” is over. To this teacher, who is long dead, like the title of this blog, I am letting go, forgiving, moving forward with the gratitude that you weirdly influenced my desire to encourage, and support. Sometimes this has worked, sometimes it’s ended in disaster. I haven’t given up though.
Okay here’s where I need your help dear friends, there is a job I really want that would keep me in the quilting world. Please pray with me as I go through this process that not only do I present myself better, but interview well. I’m horrible about this stuff. This part is not specifically related to the teacher spoken of here but more of a ripple that’s being held as overly important.
This is work that would use my skills as a quilter in such a cool way and offer opportunities for growth. I do need a day job and I’m really now just understanding (admitting) which way I want to go. I’m not quite ready to offer details so your patience is deeply appreciated. And more than this I really want God’s will in all of this.
I appreciate your prayers and your support.
2 thoughts on “Ebb and Flow and Letting Go”
God definitely has a sense of humor. I was reading out the the bible when we were on a road trip once. I had just read where Solomon says to make their homes dung hills. We turned a corner and there was a sign above the entrance to their drive, ” Deep Sh*7 Ranch”. We died laughing.