Happy Memorial of St Ignatius! (Or it was when I started this post)
In a conversation with my Spiritual Director probably back in February he asked me if I’d ever considered being a Spiritual Director. Well yes, I have. We talked a little bit more and it took me a couple more weeks before emailing to ask for the application.In part as there was a great need to have a couple of conversations with other people. The process included a moment of hilarity wherein my response to a question was totally appropriate and completely cut off, and as a result seemingly garbled. Sometimes copy and paste doesn’t quite work within the parameters of the text box opened.
A few weeks ago I asked my aunt if one of my cousins is writing a second book. My favorite part of his first book is the internal, incessant monologue of the main character. His publisher really did an amazing thing in presenting this internal monologue of thought and processing of idea to get to the place the character needed to go. I loved the story in and of itself, to have this kind of insight with a character is quite delightful, in part because I have that same style of inner, incessant chatter. This inner monologue permits me to flesh out ideas, write, and process information. The flip side is that sometimes I, perhaps more often than I care to admit, overthink things or hold onto icky things in a way that very much resembles a grudge. Ooo ick, right. So there is a need to do a couple of things including listening for what is underlying here, what can I do about this, and is there something I need to seek forgiveness or forgive. Essentially is there an action I need to take or is there something I need to accept for what it is.
Early that week I had an interview/conversation as part of the discernment process with the team leading the formation of Spiritual Directors here in the diocese. At the end one of the team said, “you’ll hear from us by next week,” so yay there’s a clear timeline. As you can imagine, creative overthinking brain went into action and over thought the whole thing, made decisions, and generally needed a cookie, a glass of milk, and a nap. By Wednesday morning overthinking brain was having a field day. Not fun.
The rest of the week was a bit of a challenge working, and working on gaining control of the overthinking inner incessant monologue. At a certain point on Friday through the pondering and wondering what this particular overthinking was about I managed to dig a little deeper and see something that is at or near the root of this.
Digging like this is much akin to cleaning out and oiling the sewing machine, then changing the needle, and turning the machine off to reset it.. It needs doing so the sewing machine forms stitches well and isn’t grinding its gears. Every so often it’s important to bring the machine in for a tune up, which includes a deep clean and oiling in places I cannot reach on my own. Getting this on the calendar, with all the perfect timing in place doesn’t happen easily for when can a quilter and sewist be without their machine? What does one do during the time the machine is away? Clean the studio? Pshaw.
When I was in my early teens I have a clear memory of praying for wisdom, not so much a time and place, just the doing. It was probably around the time I prayed for patience. Yes friends, I’ve prayed for patience and opportunities abound! For example the other day as I drove home and a truck cut me off, twice. The first time my response was to breathe and pray and thank God that in that moment I was situationally aware. The second time we were both in lanes where we could turn left. That vehicle should have gone into the right or outside lane, while my vehicle the left or inside lane. Rather than turning into the outside/right lane the driver turned into the inside/left lane. I must admit to losing it. Once I regained my composure I was able to really think through why and it had to do with fear. While this is totally a legit reaction I made sure to drive safely after though I missed a turn as another driver was on my left and keeping speed with me. Oh well, I’d rather go a little farther rather than be an aggressive driver especially when I’m already a little freaked out.
Since the sewing machine is now clean and oiled appropriately, there is a quilt on it that is in need of my attention. And there is a stack of books needing my attention. Also please pray with and for me as I enter formation as a Spiritual Director this fall. This is a two year formation process and one that is in constant discernment. There is an opt out at any given point for either the formation leaders or for myself as we work and pray together.
God bless,
Teri
A Quilter's Heart 