It is often during the month of May wherein the memories of the struggle begin to bubble up to the surface serving as gentle reminders of another time. This morning while reading about the Apostle Thomas telling the other Apostles and Disciples gathered once again in the Upper Room, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.” The way John writes this has a, “You won’t believe what happens next” meme kind of feel to it and I am here for it.
Aside, one of my creative desires is to get good at writing attention grabbing headlines because how fun!
Jesus enters the room though the door is locked, and after extending Peace to the group offers Thomas the opportunity to put his finger in His wounds. Then Jesus says, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” On the surface this sounds like Jesus is chiding Thomas for not believing. If Jesus were chiding Thomas for needing to see these wounds and touch them, to touch Him, then why invite Thomas to do just that, touch His Wounds.
Often over the last few years, okay the last thirty plus but who’s counting, there is a flipping of the internal script, the internal hearing of what Jesus is saying, rather than a finger wagging, why aren’t you getting this yet kind of conversation, these kinds of comments from Jesus are an invitation to intimacy with Him. Here with Thomas it is more a Blessed are they who will come to believe in me because of, as a result of your testimony. They will know that doubting in and of itself is not a problem, rather the questioning is a good place to visit and stay a while. Ask the questions, let Jesus know what you need. Jesus wasn’t physically present when Thomas told the Apostles and disciples what he needed in order to believe that Jesus is indeed resurrected and alive and yet when they were all gathered Jesus invited Thomas to touch Him. And the others gathered witnessed this. They witnessed Thomas’s faith blossom and be confirmed. They witnessed Jesus love Thomas where he is in this moment, as we’ve so often witnessed Jesus doing.
The bubbling up memories have to do with both the Why I returned to the Catholic Church and why I nearly left it. The Why is a Who and it is the seeing, and acknowledging of Jesus present in the Bread and Wine. This was a struggle. And the why I nearly left had to do with some people in the Church who . . . .let’s just say it was complicated and ugly and painful and unexpected. And in that there was/is great beauty. I will add here that what happened after, the nearly leaving the Church is the more painful part of this. While I never stopped believing in Jesus and His Real Presence in the Eucharist I struggled greatly with people. Part of this is aching understanding that we are meant for, called to and live in community with one another. We begin in the context of the family. And right now I can hear Fr Stan Fortuna singing, “Forget About Me, I Love You”
In one sense isn’t this a painful truth and in one sense this is where I have to examine my own life and heart looking for where I made mistakes and bring this to Jesus, I also need to look for what worked where did I respond well to Jesus, where did I trust in God. Learning how to find and remember the good, the where Jesus was working/is working has made a tremendous difference in how I view this time. As I prepared for Spiritual Direction a couple of weeks ago I wrote that hindsight is not 20/20. Well that shocked me a little bit. I realized that there are so many things that can get in the way of seeing things clearly including our own life experiences between then and now.
I sometimes think of this as looking back at quilts we made long ago, that were the best we could do in that moment with our experience at that time. We often frame the discussion of our work comparatively and put it in a negative light. Like I was doing with some of my own life experiences. In framing this way we miss the hard work we put into the quilt (or whatever we’re making) I can assure you that with some practice and a deep love of baking my cinnamon rolls are off the hook good and no two years are the same. Also I’m glad my neighbors like cinnamon rolls. There is a distinct difference in acknowledging someone else’s mastery of a particular skill set and the place where we are in this moment.
Just like Thomas we have to look, touch see and feel the wounds. I needed to look at a few experiences in the light of the memories of another person so that I might see them clearly again. I knew I was misunderstanding something. We now hear the good news through the gift of the confirmation of Thomas’s Faith, how gently and compassionately Jesus talked with him, and how Jesus invites us to believe and live in and for and through Him, with Thomas’s witness in place for us to see.
It is time to go quilt friends. I’m working on the moon.
May you be filled with the fruit of the Holy Spirit and the joy in knowing you are wanted by God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Teri
A Quilter's Heart 